TrendyFlavor- Its Hip to Be Square

Dose of Reality for Reality TV

2009-03-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

The title reality tv is being thrown around just a little loosely these days. Its been beaten to death that most of these shows are at least somewhat staged but it's amazing how many viewers still feel like they can identify with and relate to the characters on many of these shows. I thought it would be appropriate for me to sort of touch base with all of these shows and offer just a taste of reality. For reals.
1. The Hills
-The tagline of the new season is, "You've lived through every moment with them...". This is true. Every Monday night when the Hills comes on, I cuddle up next to my 60 year old GE heater and eat a raw can of corn while drinking a can of Icehouse. If anyone has lived through LC's life, it is certainly me.

2. American Idol
-This show always gets me as the fans are the real joke. Hundreds of thousands of people get so caught up in the show they feel inclined to call in and vote and attend the "concerts" while bringing posterboards and shit-eating smiles. Is it really that exciting to watch a group of people with questionable talent and sky high ego's audition for a CHANCE TO SIGN WITH A LABEL? Jesus Christ I think the Chocolate Rain guy on Youtube got an offer three days after posting his videos.

3. Dancing With the Stars
-I dont know who the fuck watches this show. I would say old people but I dont think they approve of the diverse cast of latinos and coloreds. Sometimes I say a prayer deep down inside that the same crowd at the Dancing with the Stars show is also the group at American Idol, just a few days later.

4. The Real World
- All I can say is if I had to live in a house with 6 strangers, I would probably choose the local Homeless shelter over a chic pad filled with whining metrosexuals and hipsters. Im sure there would be an equal amount of trannies at either residence.

5. The Bachelor
- What do you call 40 women competing over 1 guy? Just another day in my life sweetheart.

Brace Yourself For 2009

2009-01-07T00:37:00.000-08:00

A new year, a new beginning, and for TrendyFlavor, a new chance to be petty and spiteful towards our peers. Looking ahead, I can already see trouble looming. From the bloated egos of Obama voters to the emergence of the Jonas Brothers as a force to be reckoned with, I daresay the times they are a changing. Luckily, after a 6 month hiatus of scraping by and working my way through life like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, I am here to re-open Trendy Flavor.

To really kick things off with a bang, lets look at some of the shiteous trends of 2008 we can only hope will be forgotten:

1. Twilight- Fucking retarded. I dont know what could possibly be said about this movie besides that. Do I go with the homosexually inclined vampires or the wayward crowds of fans who look forward to nothing more than living vicariously through a collection of characters best described as "miserable".

2. American Idol- Every year I await its downfall and signs point to the end being near, but for now it fights on. A new host will be sure to add a ton of "spunk" and "female perspective". I especially cant wait for her and Paula to slap fives during the judgments and shout out "You go girl!" before hastily making their ways off stage when the cameras stop and engaging in some serious scissoring.

3. Politically Active Young People- I know, I know, im probably asking for too much but would it hurt so bad if a few kids from my generation jumped off the bandwagon now before reality bites them in the ass? Im doing these people a favor by even suggesting this. Yes, you managed to get all sappy and retarded and elect a guy who makes you feel important but in the next few months your going to realize that being important and being special straddle a fine line. Also, you suck.

4. Bud Light Commercials- Because nothing says I love a good time like hanging out with a diverse set of friends in a Harlem street corner while determining whether beer is a meal. Im going out on a limb and guessing that the very Bud Light the surfer-dude main character was wearing was probably his last meal, and a shitty one at that.

5. People calling themselves "laid back"- Is everyone in this world "laid back"? One would certainly have to assume this because if you asked 100 college students how theyd describe themselves and their friends, 99 of them would answer laid back. The other one would answer "chill". Last time I checked, nobody is ever actually laid back. They just have certain buttons and while some have more than others, everyone stresses out about something and can be an uptight prick. Next time someone tells you differently punch them in the dick and see how laid back they really are. Yeah, thatll teach em.

If you attend frat parties, your palms will bleed...

2008-08-05T04:45:00.001-07:00

I meant to post this earlier but I was still trying to overcome the devastating injuries I suffered at the last Frat Party I attended.

2 months ago I went with a few girls and my plumber friend to an outdoor festival/concert downtown. We drank in the car. We peed behind tall buildings. We dared girls to kiss. It was my idea of a good time. Unfortunately, a hit and run and 4 hours later, it was 1am and we had nowhere to go. One of the girls suggests a frat party. I say no. She puts my hand on her tit. I change my mind.

Frat party 1:30am: I am owning the party. 100 people and my drunk ass is befriending everyone. Im shaking my pelvis like the Polish Elvis on the dance floor, Im throwing balls into cups like Dr. J in beer pong, im peeing behind a shed. Things are going remarkably well and Im pleased. Thats when I spot the basketball court. Plumber guy and me go down there. Girls stand atop the court watching. Perfect setting for a showdown. We challenge the youngest looking frat guy to a game. He is remarkably nice and lacks self esteem. He offers to get some guys to play. Plumber guy takes his basketball and throws it over the fence. He says the ball was a piece of shit. And so is his frat. I happen to agree. Frat guy isnt mad...just bewildered. He gets his guys. He gets another ball. Game on.

Thats when the idea strikes me.

I could totally dunk it. It would knock the panties off every girl out here. I tell plumber guy to pass me the rock. I catch it smoothly. My cigarette dangles from the mouth. I take flight at the foul line and by god Im jumping so high im above the fucking rim.

But somehow I miss.

Somehow...I went right beside the net and landed on my palms/face. Im pretty sure I slid for a good 10 feet. Everyone watching is too stunned to laugh or help. Pictures are being taken, blood is starting to spread. I know immediatly that this is going to be a nasty injury. It was. After 5 minutes of lying there asking god why he did this to me and crying, I decide its time to leave. Fortunately I am drunk enough that it doesent hurt and I just vow to never look at my hands again. I dont want to see the damage.

The night ends, the girls apparently have a problem with guys without palms. Skanks. I go home and decide its time to take a peek. Sure enough the corners of both hands are literally scraped off. My pants are soaked in blood and tears.

This is how I envision most nights ending at fraternity parties. Be warned.

Best. Movie. Ever

2008-08-05T04:29:00.001-07:00

Ive got a boner right now. A raging hard on. Im actually typing with my penis im so excited. In case you havent heard, theres a movie coming out in a few weeks called "College". Lets just say, its totally based on my life.
I saw the preview a few hours ago while trying to find a Girls Gone Wild commercial and...I havent been able to sleep since. The trailer shows 3 guys who are graduating high school and decide to visit college as one of the fellas has an orientation to attend. Hilarity ensues. Your never going to believe it but the guys totally get involved with a fraternity once they get to the college and, heres the real kicker, they get drunk and screw hot ass sorority girls. I can especially relate because, just like these characters, I too attend college, and better yet, I fool around with sorority girls ALL the time while pounding it with my frat brothers. Its like someone told a hollywood director about me and he made it into a movie. Im stoked!!!!!

OK...enough of that nonsense. Apparently, the studio that produced this piece of shit figured I would respond to the preview in a manner something like the above paragraph. Unfortunately, I dont know anyone that has ever had this experience in college. Thats probably because my friends are lunch ladies and by fraternity I mean an imaginary one...but thats besides the point. The real point here is that someone needs to let you fuckers getting ready to go to college know that this is not real life. What can you expect than? Well, I dont think you want to know.

But Ill tell ya anyways.

Unlike this movie, you will not be enjoying your freshman orientation. Its much more likely that you will spend 48 hours with some guy named Peter who you were paired to room with. Peter will not flush the toilet or close the door. He will also masturbate aggresively for 3 hours straight until passing out. You will fall asleep to the smell of burning rubber. On your 2nd night of orientation if your lucky, youll strike up a conversation with a girl that likes horses. She will tell you shes a free spirit. She probably has a tumbleweed for pubes. You wont care. Its better than Peters burning rubber.

So orientation sucked. But college is totally going to be fun right? No. Not if your idea of fun is something similar to the movie "College". Im burned out now. This movie ruined my post. Blame the preview.

Pre-Alcoholics Society

2008-06-08T01:51:00.000-07:00

The time has come, when a few enlightened, sophisticated young men must stand up for what it is they believe in and fight a battle that will test them in every way imaginable.

People of Charlotte and its surrounding hoods and suburbs, I have decided to form the Pre-Alcoholics Society. What this society represents is a group of young people willing to give up all the gang signs, all the facebook taunting, all the jager-bombs and red bull breakfasts and embark on a mission to drink beer, and drink it often. Too many imposters walk the streets of Charlotte claiming they can drink any man under the table. These people trick the girls we know and love into believing them and before you know it, your drinking alone again while they share a Bud Lite with your girlfriend.

Its time we re-claimed our streets. We must challenge these posers to drinking games, promote events in which they will be forced to back up their bravado, and drink until we become homeless or full fledged alcoholics.

In the wide world of drinking, there are no winners and certainly no glamour, simply those who passed out and those who did not. Let fate decided which one you become tonight.

Lil Wayne Sounds Like a Lung Cancer Survivor

2008-05-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

I dont want to hear that lady with the voice synthesizer because she smoked for 40 years while working at Dunkin Donuts. I REALLY dont. Partially because itll be me in 20 years and partially because it gives me a hard on if im standing real close and catch a vibration....but mainly because I hate the sound of her voice. Please tell me why than, I would want to listen to Lil Wayne? Hipster douchebags in Rolling Stone Mag first decided he was wonderful because he was from New Orleans and what do you know, thats where KATRINA took place! What a great connection! So, they advocate this guy because hes sorta well known and from a tragic area and by rapping he will push their agenda on why Bush sucks. Fantastic, Ive seen this happen every few weeks. What I didnt expect was for this guy to catch on with the middle class white kids who think theyre black and throw gang signs as if they were not only retarded, but also using sign language. So suddenly, everytime I play basketball, I hear these fuckers call themselves "Wheezy" and clumsily rap his verses. Everytime I get on facebook, another one of these kids posts his lyrics in their status and profiles. Its sickening really how popular this guy has become.
If I were to ask any of his newfound fans why they liked him, they would all respond "Because of his rhymes". What they do not know is that his rhymes are about as mediocre as any other middle of the road rappers. Nothing he says carries any impact on society or holds any substantial train of thought. What he does represent, however, is a trendy symbol of all that is cool and gangster and socially accepted at this very moment. But than again, I doubt anyone has listed that as a reasoning.

Its about quality, not quantity

2008-05-15T23:59:00.001-07:00

Alas, this is not my strategy in pursuing the finer sex, that would be titled "Date Rape: A Thin Line Between Bonding and Jail", but I digress. What I really mean to say is that for well over a year now I have been posting on this blog and about 5 or 6 people regularly read it. I think thats utterly sad. I post some pretty cool things. I go out of my way to really observe trends occuring around the world right now and than identify the reasons people cant help but fall into them. Maybe I need a better angle. This ones a bit broad. Than again, if you pander to the crowds too much, you lose your identity.

Anyways, I am just issuing this post as a self-reminder that I need to stop posting just to post and start really thinking about what I am going to cover before I toss it up here. People go to blogs because they know they are going to get a quality piece that they can agree with or learn from or maybe just feel some flicker of hope in. Well, my blog does none of those things, but if you are a cynical SOB like myself, at least we can share our common hatred for all things hip and trendy.

"Excrement and Vomit Dumped on the Members"

2008-05-13T09:14:00.001-07:00

No, this is not me describing a night of fun with PETA. No, it is also not a suggestion I might have for the College Democrats Organization....well it is but thats just part of my plan for vengeance.

What I AM describing is the amazingly candid look at what really goes on in a large portion of frat houses around the country. Yesterday a Madison, Wisconsin frat house went up in flame and only than did the stories begin to circulate. All I know is I saw the headline, "Excrement and vomit dumped on the members" and I felt pretty damn good. I dont know about any of you other socially inept people who just didnt have the "ambition" to join a fraternity in college, but I find being covered in shit and puke to be pretty terrible.

Yet for some reason, this is what people do to be come popular. It happens everywhere. Dont toss out some vague statement that this only happens in the rare cases because I'm not ignorant and neither are the other folks reading this site (mom, grandma, myself in ladies clothes). When you stick a group of males DESPERATELY seeking social acceptance in a dilapidated house, the results will usually come out smelling like shit and vomit. The guys I see sporting frat shirts will always take a good chunk of attractive girls because it goes both ways and the ladies chasing them are usually far too gone to save anyways, but doesent it bring a smile to your face knowing at one point in time, these guys probably smelled suffered from "Excrement and vomit attacks"?

And the crowd goes WILD!

2008-05-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

I will never watch American Gladiators again. Tonight, a one legged man was going to compete in the competition. Mike and I decided we would drink a miller or 4 and root against this crippled wonder. Why would I do such a thing? Well maybe I just dont like prosthetics or maybe I hate people missing limbs, but the truth is, I hate anything that tries to be falsely positive.

You see, I knew the crowd would be rooting for this guy no matter what just because he had a fake leg. I also knew the guy would lose of course, because he had a.....FAKE LEG. This pisses me off because why the fuck are 3,000 audience members going nuts over something that they have NO control of and NO real emotional connection to? Sports fans at least follow their teams through ups and downs and are rewarded as victorious by other fans when theyre team wins. With these audience members though, its like they are living vicariously through a one legged man. If I was going to live in someone elses shoes, I would make sure that someone wore TWO shoes. But hey thats just me.

Anyways, this trend is happening everywhere and I blame American Idol. Why the fuck are people bringing posterboard signs to a GAME SHOW? Its not like anything exciting is really going to happen, and its not like these people have earned their way to get to this place. Yet for some reason, thousands of jackasses go nuts over this shit and get hysterial when the contestant does the slightest thing.

Heres a better idea, how about finding a hobby you can actually participate in. Massaging my ego would be an excellent one to start with.

A Recount of Average College Night at Local Bar

2008-04-08T23:08:00.000-07:00

I cant stress enough the importance of staying away from nightclubs and any bar with a DJ while your still in college. Once in awhile, its fun to see the people and your probably getting laid if you really want (I do, I do). If your drunk, it could even be considered an emotionally positive experience.

This having been said, be wary of what these locales have to offer. The people, the music, the flashing lights..they are all fake. Do you ever see the people who consider themselves VIP or "regulars" at these places eating lunch at McDonalds or going to classes at college while the sun is out? Of course you dont. These people are too busy rebuilding their image so they can go out the next night and claim to be something they are not yet again. I imagine for most of these people, male and female, this means going tanning, working out, taking steroids, masturbating HEAVILY, getting a tattoo, 3 hours putting in hair gel and "product", and finally sipping a red bull while checking out facebook/myspace.

Its funny though how these same people can still come out after such a shallow and meaningless day and attempt to sell themselves as gangsters or important. Bullshit. I will kick your...scratch that....this really tough friend I have who might be retarded WILL KICK YOUR ASS if you think this is the case. If you had something, anything going on in your life youd have somewhere better to be than a hole in the wall where you are forced into social situations with other retards.

Anyways, I decided to give you guys a recount of the last time I went to a club without being kicked out within 30 minutes. It was about a year ago and I was almost 19. Here goes:

10:00 get in car. begin knocking back coors with friends.
10:30 arrive at club. continue knocking back coors with friends.
11:00 realize its been 30 minutes, get up and get out of the car. Realize I have to piss. Pee beside car.
11:01 Wave at girl who watches me pee, she doesent look impressed.
11:05 Bouncer tells friend who may be retarded he is drunk, I explain he is not drunk, just possibly retarded and show them his ID. He is allowed in.
11:15 Stand by dancefloor and stare at about 7 good looking girls in the shadows, nod my head and smoke to look preoccupied.
12:15 Work up the nerve to approach mediocre looking girl. Ride mechanical bull with her. Thrust my pelvis like Elvis to Lil John music.
1:00 She is offended by my horrible dance moves and X's on my hands. Leaves to flirt with a 21 and older type guy. Classy bitch.
1:05 Puke in bathroom. Cry a little
1:15 Get caught in "mosh pit" of Persian teenagers who seem to think they are uber-trendy. Smell of curry and grease. Im sorry persians.
1:30 Ask a girl to dance. She agrees. Look down to ask her name. Headbutt the hell out of her. Blame it on friend. Exit dancefloor and go to bar area immediatly.
1:45 Try to order beer. Dont even garner a response. Bastard.
1:50 Girl comes from behind and headbutts me. Retaliation is a bitch.
2:00 Leave bar with sore head, puke on my shirt, no sense of time or place, and a keen desire to never go to a nightclub again.

So there you have it folks. This is what you have to look forward to. Enjoy!

What the hell Jesus? What the hell?

2008-04-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

Seriously, sometimes I think I know why the lions always tried to eat the Christians back in the BC days. Obviously Christians taste no better than Jews (or do they...hmm) and theyre not that much harder to digest than a scrumptious cow. So Im betting the lions were just real pissed off about how lucky those Christians were. If those days were anything like the present, I bet the apostles were all sporting WWJD toe rings and vows of celibacy tattoed across their asses. Bastards.

All I know is that in present day America, their is a growing population of youngsters calling themselves born again Christians. This faith usually consists of promoting everything that actually sucks (no touching others..OR YOURSELF, no homosexual flirtations after a 7th steel reserve kicks in, no abortions even if the girl looks like Shreks wife, no profanity even after seeing how ugly the kid turns out to be that you really should have aborted 7 months before)by acting as though its badass to be this way. Ill tell you something though. Its not. Unfortunately, no one died and made me boss. In fact, whoever is the boss apparently hates me because hes decided to send out an endless supply of hot, sultry girls who giggle a bit too much and like to tan right beside your house while you watch from the window looking over the yard and break or imagine breaking all Ten Commandments. Unfortunately, these girls buy into the marketing scam that Christianity has become. Thus, by being a chain smoking, Catholic, Pollock who swears like a Lesbian, I have very little chance of theoretically "hitting that".

Instead, these girls will continue to fall head over heels for the guys who take them to church three times a week, wear torn Abercrombie jeans and indie button down shirts that scream "I play 3 chords on the guitar and sing John Mayer lyrics!". These same guys who wouldnt touch a beer or a cigarette, but have no problem throwing up gang signs and jokingly trying to mask the awkward sexual tension flowing through their custom jockeys.

Its as if they tease me with their absolutely ridiculous ploys to be rebellious. The born again Christians of today have outdone the guidos and the frat boys in become the saddest trend seekers of all time. They are so uncool, they think being uncool is cool. Damn.

What is Cool?

2008-04-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

Im starting to get older now. My guts growing, my eyesights worse, I find myself laughing at Blazing Saddles jokes that I used to never care to understand. Im almost 20. Pretty much dead. That being said, I think I can finally determine what is cool and what is not, and I think its time for a revolution.

For many years now, American society has dictated that if you go to parties, join fraternities, and get shitfaced for facebook pictures, you are cool. If you employ any kind of literacy skills, take initiative, or defer from the crowd, your not cool.

As I get older though, Im starting to realize these things slowly stop mattering and its a wonderful feeling. I have been to countless parties in the past two years during college and sometimes I wonder if Im doing it for myself or doing it because I want to feel cool. I feel almost obligated at this point. The funny thing is, when I choose not to go to parties, I usually end up finding something more fun to do and make the kids who go to parties think im mysterious and thus a badass.

People are starting to buy into what I am saying, I think. Go to a nightclub now and all you see are the same 200 people that go every night to the same spot and mingle with the same people constantly throwing gang signs and talking as though they are in control of something which no one really knows. They never get out of that bubble. They dont see the real world, they dont care to. As they continue to live in this self-serving exsistence that eventually will be called denial, I applaud the people who say fuck it and have the Hombres to say "Fuck off" to a kid who calls himself tough or to hit up a bookstore rather than a bar. Im getting to a point in my life where I would honestly just prefer to drink beer in the woods and play horseshoes or something behind my pool. I love socializing but I dont like the people that go to these social situations. Theyre starting to get stale and I can see how quickly things will deteriorate for them. I dont want that to be me.

Im going to start capitalizing on this. Im going to say fuck off to every and any person that I dont like and if they and their "niggas" (who happen to be white) want to take it personally, im going to beat their asses and walk away. I think someone has to be the reality check, and its going to be me.

VIP stands for Very Irritating Prick

2008-04-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone between the ages of 18 and 24 that goes to clubs and high end bars in Charlotte is apparently VIP. I have no idea what that means, but it seems for them as they end up waiting in lines that are longer than the normal people lines but I suppose its pretty nifty to have that title. I wish I was a VIP. Maybe than I could talk to some hollowed out chick rocking a fake ID and promising me a night of anything but pleasure. That would be awesome.

Than again...do I want to stand in line with Fruity McLoops who wears his hair spiked so high I have lost track of the moon and has so many tears in his jeans that when he turns around hes actually considered partially nude? Maybe...oh who am I kidding, fuck no. The people who go to clubs and bars enough to get the VIP gimmick from clubs are no different than the fat fucks who have Subway Free Sub stamp cards and the guy whos got a blockbuster movie pass because he gets 6 movies every friday night and doesent leave the house until sunday. Seriously, how are these people any different? They all buy into a stpid ass marketing ploy that drains their income from working at the lotion kiosk in the mall.

I dont knwo about you, but I hate when those pricks try to give me samples, my skins just naturally ashy.

An Ode to the Mustasched Girl

2008-04-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

While on the topics of weird people I regularly come across at campus everyday, I thought Id go ahead and get one more confession out there. I am scared to look at the girl sitting next to me. Shes not a bad looking girl in all actuality. Shes anatomically correct and looks Aryan which is big in my book. Unfortunately, I am not into 19th century cobblers from Austria so this girl is not for me. Sporting the type of well grown, mahogany colored mustache men named Franz and Peter wore 200 years ago, this girl is embracing a flaw that actually makes me nervous. If I look at her, Im straight up going to stare at the mustache. I want to comb it, pick the little bits of food that get caught in it out, groom it. But I dont think shed appreciate that. In fact, I already tried, and her exact words were, "Hey, I dont appreciate that!"

So now I sit next to her in class twice a week, watching as the follicles slowly grow and my temptation to shave it off only churns more powerfully within me.

The Tragedy of the Balding 19 Year Old

2008-04-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

I saw him out of the corner of my eye. Tall, lanky, normal looking in all natural ways except one small abnormality. What was it? I looked harder. Something was wrong...something about his face...no his head...it wasnt adding up. I approached the young man, got about 3 inches from his face and told him to hold still. He blushed and looked down, ashamed. And that I realized it. This young man had a receeding hairline.

Oh how awful he must feel. A future marred with purchases of rogaine and soon after, toupees. No man can look baldness in the eye and seriously say, "I am at peace with this illness."

This student I spotted on campus is just one of many young people walking around me everyday. I try not to touch them or make eye contact normally as I consider a receeding hairline to be equivalent to AIDs. No matter what you try and do to cure it, society will still look at you with a mixture of pity and shame.

I am sorry, but I just had to get this off my chest. It feels as though I wrote something that will inspire all the balding kids trying to compensate by wearing nifty t-shirts and baggy pants to come to grips with this sickness and seek treatment or go away from society. Just stay the hell away from me and my thick and lustrous hair. I know you want to steal it.

College Stressing You Out? Just Quit Now.

2008-04-01T00:25:00.001-07:00

UNC-Charlotte is offering up some seminar (oppurtunity to sit next to frisky looking freshmen girls) on handling the stress of college. Im pretty sure the attractive female head count will be quite high for this event. Even better, the goofy Polish guy head count will remain at just one, myself. At least I wont have competition...

Anyways, I find this seminar to be especially appalling since I have yet to get stressed once during my college career thus far. Dont take this lightly. I get stressed very often. If I dont have a Camel after my first beer, I dont rule out homicide. If I am told I have to attend church with the family the following Sunday, I spend the remainder of my days beforehand scheming on how to get out of it. Once in 8th grade when I didnt get in the Yearbook Club, I actually developed the early stages of an ulcer. That my friends, is a person who can get stressed.

Yet college really just doesent do it for me. Maybe its the whole "I can walk out of class and they cant do shit" mentality im beginning to develop or maybe its all about seeing these professors in Chinos and Birkenstocks hop into a piece of shit parked next to my Jeep..either way, I just dont feel all that concerned with college.

You dont have classes back to back very often so you get 2 nights to do homework now instead of just one. You dont have much in terms of busy work. You dont have to be overly concerned about attendance as there are always loopholes. You can email your teacher and explain how your car broke down for the 5th time this semester and that it really is just bad luck, not a desire to miss each and every quiz he assigns. Yep, everything seems pretty cut and dry.

So why is College often related to being stressful? I sort of enjoy taking my books and crawling into the library sofas and just getting lost in that shit for awhile. Sometimes, Ill even look for books with pictures of...ah nevermind..I like pictures, lets leave it at that. Anyways, heres a schedule of my day for all the kids that are apparently so stressed with their lives that they cant even function.

10am- Awaken, scratch balls, shower, brush
11am- Arrive at campus
11:30am-12:30pm- Stare at people walking by my car, keep hands where nobody can see them, listen to the Fray, light a fragrant candle, think about those pictures...
1230pm-2pm- Class, usually this means I devise business plans for all my nifty ideas
2pm-315pm- Class again, try and decide if the girl two rows to the left is hot or has a horse face. The final decision is Nay, like something this horse faced girl would say if I tried to ride her....ah this joke sucks.
315pm-4pm- Fall asleep at the wheel and somehow wind up near home
4pm-5pm- Business time, which means emailing and calling people who reject my ideas
5pm-6pm- Workout- Running a very slow and steady pace while trying to make myself fit
6pm-7pm- Dinner, if your fat, substitute "Fasting" for Dinner, itll help i swear.
7pm-8pm- Practice hockey with 10 year olds around the neighborhood, retain my title as cool but sorta creepy guy who could be a dad.
8pm-9pm- Watch television and work on my articles, sometimes polish my awards
9pm-11pm-Study whatever for school, than study shit I want to learn on my own, which usually means someones ass or potential cleavage on facebook.
11pm-3am- Still unsure whether im seeing the outline of a nipple or a cancerous lump on the tit of facebook girl, decide to spend 4 hours making sure.
3am-330am- Email teachers explaining how I just found out my grandfather died and that I will try and make it to class tommorow but I dont know whether or not I will be able to focus on getting my assignments due the next time done in time.
330am-4am- Find people in obituaries who could pass as grandparent.
Finally, sleep, feeling fulfilled and wholesome...

Fat Girls vs. Ugly Girls- A Zero Sum Game

2008-03-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have long debated with friends, family, and higher-ups the scenario of choosing between a fat girl and an ugly girl. Its a question that haunts me day and night, knowing deep down one day I will be forced to choose after a large supply of viagra and Budweiser. Its not a decision I want to make, knowing full well neither will leave me satisfied or optimistic, but I have decided today I will come to terms with lifes great question and determine who is better to go home with at the end of a long night, the fat girl or the ugly girl.

On one hand, the fat girls are usually jolly and willing to drive thru to mcdonalds at 3am when your starving for a double cheeseburger. Its a big plus in my book. The fat girl will also be willing to give into your every demand, the result of years of taunting and self pity. Acknowledging these girls will brighten their day and make for a special and romantic night you wont soon forget.

On the other hand, ugly girls bring a whole new set of rewards to the table. After 10 beers, a fat girl still looks fat, but an ugly girl starts to look cute. You wont be rubbing your hand against her face anyways so your not going to be pinching at a mole or something. With a fattie, your going to feel the cottage cheese and smell the rank odor of Cheetos. The ugly girl will also be very aggresive, since she wont be fat it means shes vigorously trying to stay in shape and compensate for her facial shortcomings. Shes determined to make you satisfied.

Now, this is just the positive outlook on the two options. There are negatives, oh so many, that make this choice even harder.
With the fattie, your going to get lots of crying, a sore back, and unanimous agreement between your friends that shes fat.
With the ogre, your going to get a clingy and usually bitchy chick whos been fighting back at life for years, never admitting shes lesser just because she has a unibrow. Defiantly refusing to wax it.

At the end of the day, though, Im going to take the ugly one. Fat chicks leave you feeling hollow and empty inside, ugly chicks know the situation, recognize what you want, and are prepared to move on and smile/grimace at another young and lonely lad when your through.

Smoking, A Healthy Habit for Children and Adults Both!

2008-03-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

Truth.com wants you to believe smoking is "not hip". Rob Reiner wants you to believe smoking is rude and disgusting. Your doctor wants you to believe that by smoking your going to end up a very ugly and sickly old man...at the age of 27.

Im here to tell you, those people suck. They suck ass. Way to be a bunch of downers dipshits. Way to label people as slackers and unhealthy just because they do something different than you. Way to decide whats hip and whats not when none of you deal with the real world at any point in time. Way to be.

In all honesty, heres a few things about smoking you wont hear from the "edgy" mullato dude with an afro passing out BUTT-OUT stickers while blaring contemporary indie rock from his ipod:
1.Smoking looks fucking badass- For real, think about it, Patrick Swayze, Heath Ledger, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Barack Obama. Talk about some badass and cool people. They all smoke, they all get hot ass (even Marilyn) whenever they damn well please, and they all intimidate anti-smoking advocates who never got to hang in the cool crowd in high school.

2. Smoking eases the mind- Long day? Having trouble stepping away from life and thinking for a moment? Smoking helps this by easing the brain and allowing you to focus on little details youd never realize in the hustle bustle of life.

3. Cigarettes and Cigars are pretty fucking cheap- For 4 bucks a pack here in NC or about 5 dollars a stogie, you can get an enjoyable little experience out of the day without dishing out all your cash. The tobacco companies have a product thats heavily addicting, admittedly, but the good news is, they dont price gouge one iota. Because they care.

4. Oompa Lompas make each smoke with extra care- Yes, its true, its not a myth, Willy Wonka owns nearly all tobbaco packaging plants and has created a beautiful little group of paradise like locations. Inside you find the little orange Loompas singing and dancing while puffing away and frolicking. I visited twice, after finding the golden tobacco leaf, and I left extremely impressed and inspired.

5. Blowing smoke in the face of activisits is fulfilling- If I die today, at least I will know I was able to make life miserable to those bastards who advocate every cause they feel is important to them. My motto is, if you inflict your views on me by bashing everything I love, Ill inflict my views on you by fornicating in public places and tapping ash on your birkenstocks.

So, now you know just how awesome smoking is. If youve got to choose a vice, nothings cheaper or more satisying...well except maybe beer, but thats for another time and place.

13 Year Old Skateboarders Give Me Ulcers

2008-02-27T22:37:00.000-08:00

I'm only 19. I shouldnt have to worry about stress and ulcers. I certainly could be labeled relaxed in most aspects of my life anyways. Unfortunately, I also live on the same street as some little shits who call themselves skateboarders.

I want to pre-empt this by saying I can skateboard pretty well myself and I enjoy it tremendously. I used to just cruise around my neighborhood while listening to White Lines and Run DMC on my discman..any song from the game Thrasher was tops in my playlist. Anyways, I ddnt bother anyone, never tried doing ramps or visiting skateboards and mainly just did it because bikes suck. They suck a lot.

In the last 5 years, though, I have quickly stopped skateboarding altogether. I attribute this to the rise of the "skater-punk". The 13 year old boys who have no mind of their own and fall for any and every trend MTV handfeeds them took over the skateboarding game in recent year. Once a place where kids expressed their individuality, it is now overrun by pampered snots who like to shout the F word and gay slurs because its tough and no ones going to challenege them on it. Its pathetic how they do this shit and petty crimes just for the sake of telling everyone how badass they are. This is the ultimate form of conformity.

Picking fights with store owners and cops is dumb and assinine. The funny thing is half the time these kids film that shit and put it up on youtube acting as though the store owner and cop had been the bad guy. HA...HA...I dont like cops and I dont like merchants (UNJUSTIFIED) but someones got to teach these kids that life will beat them down sooner or later if they continue trying to be something theyre not. The honest to god truth is that if any skateboarding "punk" ever left their clique of scrawny white outcasts for a day and tried behaving the way they normally do, I would be writing about obituaries and not my ulcers.

Until than however, I will have to nurse these ulcers and throw cupcakes and other frosted treats at skateboarders from my car window. Badass...I know.

The Fall of Rolling Stone Magazine

2008-02-27T22:26:00.001-08:00

I get Rolling Stone in the mail every other week. Its fun to look at the pictures and place the glossy cover on my coffee table so all of my sophisticated friends can think of me as edgy, but smart.

Oh wait, my fault..I was thinking of Maxim. Rolling Stone? Well thats got a special place in my life as well, besides the crapper. If their is one publication that really garners this "lofty" position, let it be known that Rolling Stone is just that. Since the Reagan 80s, the magazine has been practically on life support, trying to bolster its image as the number one music and entertainment magazine while coming to never quite coming to terms with the fact that the 60's came and gone. To this day, I still pick up a copy and find myself scared shitless. Is it true? Is President Bush really evil? Is it also true that 90percent of the population hates him and the ones who dont are bible toting rednecks? Wow...just WOW. I thought because he won two elections and all that someone out there besides the radicals had to like him. It sure as hell wasnt me, In dont like either candidate...but I thought a place called Middle America exsisted...I guess I was ignorant.

According to Rolling Stone, everyone in America that matters sits in their Manhattan brownstones and smokes some weed, listens to some indie, and becomes appalled at the terrible sins of Conservatives. For a publication reaching such a large and diverse range of people, it seems kind of funny they stick to the same demographic over and over again.

The end is near, however. As with all cases, stubborn attitudes never prevail. The Rolling Stone Magazine should have taken a look at the band of the same namesake and re-tooled their business plan years ago. While Mick Jagger and Keith Richards experimented and re-invented, Rolling Stone Magazine never left 1968. Today, readership is down and the magazine struggles to find appealing material. Refusing to offer any different perspectives on politics, music, or lifestyle, the magazine is at deaths door. I'd be more than happy to knock.

The College Clubber: A Horrifying Combo

2008-02-26T22:49:00.000-08:00

The trendy flavor for this week is the College Clubber. You know who I am talking about, and honestly, theres a good chance its probably you. Im not one to pass judgement (lie) but after being handed 1393848 fliers while walking to classes and being subjected to 2928348438 facebook pictures of dudes throwing gang signs inside clubs while surrounded by mediocre chicks, I had to speak out. Consider it my intervention party.
Enough is enough, though. Just because you go to the same spot 6 nights a week and know the bartenders by name, I am supposed to belive it when you say your living the good life? I've tried the clubbing game. All I found was the same thing over and over. Dudes with dark hair and dark, fake tans pounding it followed closely by ravenous looking girls who look great after a 12 pack of High Life but probably resemble Rosie O'Donnell the next morning. Yet somehow, these people never seem to get sick of it. They seem to thrive inside this little bubble they have created where they are celebrities in their minds because they can go out and mingle at nice looking bars.

Come on jackasses, ANYONE could get into the VIP section at ANY bar. Just because your doing it doesent mean everyone else should. Believe me, you can spit as many Kanye West and Jay Z lyrics out and talk about how big a pimp you are all night long, but the next morning, Im certain your getting into your car, pumping up the Fray and crying over the tab you ran up buying Layla, the Staten Island girls drinks only to see her go off with your friend Tito. Its ok, though, Im sure theyres 7,000 other Persian twentysomethings with daddys credit card looking to be your clubbing body and tan with you, I promise.

The Beer Guide 07 Award Show

2008-02-26T22:28:00.000-08:00

Its time once again my fellow Trendy naysayers, to look back on the wonderful world of beer for the year of 2007. It was a fascinating, riveting year...a year that brought you alcoholic enegery drinks by Budweiser and the new Craft Miller series. A year that finally showed Bud Light can be beaten, and at the same time, that PBR is a son of a bitch yet again. Lets look back my friends, and define these beers for who they are and what theyve become!

Beer of the Year:
Winner: Budweiser- Solid. Crisp. Refreshing. 5.5 percent alcohol. All these things make my stomach fill with butterflies just thinking about it. Budweiser is the grandaddy of beers, even though Miller is a bit older...., the one we look to and say, "Damn, thats American beer." It balances the difference between light beers and porters and makes everything right in the world. Equally good at getting girls drunk, being used in beer pong tournaments, and being nursed alone while watching porno on a hot Summer night. Budweiser, I salute you!

Runner Up: Blue Moon- I once thought it was only for wealthy white frat boys, a beer that costs more than the 17 quarters I had for just a 6 pack. I was determined to avoid it, not give into its tempting design and adjectives on the bottles. Than, last night, I did it. I broke the embargo. I had one. Than I had two. Than I had 6. It was just a normal night but what I discovered was the most excellent tasting beer I have ever had. It only loses to Budweiser because it is tough to play beer pong with. Oh fucking well.

Best Quarters Beer: Coors Light- This is light, tasty, and...light. Seriously though, from August to November this is all I drank and its understandable. When the weather is warmer, its a good drink that almost rehydrates you. You could play quarters all night and it would never get you too drunk. I have done the power hour multiple times with this beer.

Best Beer Pong Beer: Miller High Life- Very similar to Coors Light, but its crisper and a little bit stronger. Almost tastes like a Sprite. Its the only beer I like MORE in a bottle.

Best Beer to Make an Ugly Chick into a Sexy Chick: Michelob Porter- Stronger beer that goes down strong and sits in your belly like a meal. Defintely a personal favirote. It tastes good and gets you a happy drunk that makes Little Miss Piggy over there into fucking Jessica Fucking Alba! Ohhh yeah.

Best Beer to Make a Cute Chick Interested in You: Miller Light- Most guys would think its got to be the liquors or the strong beers, but most guys are wrong. Girls want to get drunk. They also dont want to get sick. Miller Light tastes light, but its decieving. It has a mystic power to it that makes girls swear my name is Bradd Pitt-slavski. Its an easy beer to share and relatively cheap.

Best 40 Ouncer- Olde English: Its flat. Its bitter. Its strong as fuck. That said, nothing washes down 10 double cheeseburgers and a Marlboro at 2am better than this. I will swear by these 40s until the day I get mugged walking around with one in front of that certain Mcdonalds at 2am.

Finally....drumroll please....
Crappy Beer of the Year:
ITS A TIE!!
Busch Ice and Steel Reserve have TIED IT UP!
There is nothing positive about either of these beers. I wake up without my clothes, covered in animal fur, and in cold sweats after a night with these badboys. Any party serving these up needs to be shut down and mocked immediatly. Cheapness is one thing, and going for a heavy beer is acceptable, but just stick with Miller or a porter like Guiness that will fill you up and not put you on deaths bed.

So there you have it folks, a big night for Budweiser and a shitty night for the Busch Company yet again. See you next year!

So your a model...or are you a "model"?

2008-02-26T22:16:00.001-08:00

Every girl between the age of 16 and 21 works at Hollister or American Eagle or...if theyre really AWESOME, Abercrombie and Fitch for at least a week. Its like the alternative to becoming a stripper. Either the chick works there or she strips. No grey matter at all. What I really find funny, though, isnt the fact these girls promote a "beachy" and "hip" lifestyle while living in concrete jungles called the suburbs. No, thats been overplayed by now. The funny part is these girls think theyre models. Every one of them will tell you they work as a model for these stores. Its funny because, I really had no idea half of these models...usually the ugly ones....are actually "modeling" when in it certainly appears they are folding clothes I picked up, scoffed at, and dropped on the floor.

I guess I'm just naive but im pretty sure thats not called being a model, I think thats called being my biotch. It gets worse though. These girls, still convinced they are modeling, are all subjected to bitchy orders from homosexual store managers named Rick or Philipe who are "totally serious" about taking out the trashbags. When theyre done picking up my clothes and running errands for Phillipe and Rick while they high five, these pampered models get to go back in the store and SOCIALIZE!!

Unfortunately, theyre not mingling with David Beckham and myself. No, theyre forced to work with the only people worse than themselves, men who call themsevles models. These guys are just a joke and even the dumbass female "models" sense it, theyre just to afraid to admit it. Any dumbass walking into a store with a hemp bracelet, toe rings, and or signature rainbows is one "Sassy" comment away from getting his ass kicked. The female models are oblivious to this fact though, and after an hour or two of collecting hangers, they begin to fall for it and sneak into the bathroom to take Myspace pictures.

And its all cyclical folks, this whole process. These girls arent models, theyre minimum wage workers. They are no different than the hispanic cart collector at Wal Mart aside from the fact that the wal mart worker doesent live a lie...unless hes telling people hes Enrique Inglesias...

Energy Drinks are to Extreme

2008-02-25T23:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not ready to handle an energy drink. Hell, I am barely fit to handle a diet Mountain Dew. Something about looking to a drink for "extreme energy" is disturbing and shadowy. Next time all the kids who get paid 3 dollars an hour plus "commision" to sit on campus pressuring me to buy these drinks see me walking around, I hope they realize I'm just not ready. Maybe one day, with that special someone, Ill have a sip of that forbidden badass beverage and Ill naturally develop a tribal tatoo and a mandanna before your eyes...but until that point, please, dont corrupt me with your senseless advertising and sugary sweet cans of sin.

I'l stick to coffee and beer in the mornings t give me the proper ups and downs I need to get on with my day. They dont have much in terms of marketing campaigns...I mean seriously, my coffee is in a styrofoam cup made by a man named Juan at the 76 station nearby....but what my drinks lack in coolness, they make up for in quenching my thirst and getting me through another day of college life. Sounds good to me!

Pipe Smoking: Underrated future trend in campuses across the nation...

2008-02-25T23:07:00.000-08:00

No, not a crack pipe. Certainly not a bowl. Im talking about a fucking pipe. One that puffs out tobacco and gives you a hit that, when mixed with a certain marijuana plant could be potent.
Friday night a friend of mine popped one out on the trip to a party. I realized my collection of old pipes was suddenly unbelievably valuable. I hurried inside and grabbed my toilet bowl shaped one and my crack pipe shaped one (for mike of course) and quickly set out on a new trend setting hobby!

I like my cigarettes and cigars as much as the next lung cancer patient. Hell, I will eat a Marlboro for the remote possibility of a nicotine hit if I am without lighter. That being said, I think a pipe is the best of both worlds. You look classy, and you smell classy. Not to mention your smoking classy tobacco products. None of that scrap heap shit you get in cigarettes, Im talking strains of elegant plant so rich and full bodied you dont need any fucking cologne.

So, light em up folks, bust it out, pipes are the trend of the week and possibly the year, lets just wait and see.

A Hit Counter

2008-02-19T18:05:00.000-08:00

free hit counter

Foriegn Languages Sound Foriegn or Something

2008-02-11T22:43:00.001-08:00

German, Spanish, Latin, French...a list of my favirote kind of women? Of course not, I dont even know what a Latin girl would look like. The list I just unveiled is strictly a compilation of my foriegn language courses over the years. All of them have made my life hell. All of them have made me get ulcers. All of them suck.

Today I quit German. My professor has too many hand mannerisms and gets way to frisky. Three months ago I quit Spanish. That bitch told me I was going to fail straight up...at least shes honest. Before that I struggled with Latin and French, all the while knowing if I ever wanted to speak to a foriegner, I would just talk louder and slower...being as obnoxious as possible.

Sadly, our college professors and department chairs have decided we should all be required to learn a foriegn language if we choose to obtain a Bachelor of Arts. Now I know the BA is a joke around most campuses, but I also know most kids getting the BA laugh at the students with a BS. Its a real healthy relationship and sense of camraderie. One thing that will forever prevent the two sides from coming to a common ground, however, is the exsistence of the Foriegn Language Credit. I am going to spend the remaining 2 years at college registering for, than dropping or flunking these bastard classes and there is nothing I can do about it.

What jackass thought it would be best for people to learn totally different languages in a classroom? To make matters worse, in a classroom filled with people who cant speak this new language. Is that a very learning friendly environment? Probably not..and by that I mean NO BUENO. I think I said no good, I may have said No to some guy named Bueno reading my page in Mexico City...Im sorry Bueno.

Group Work, Schmop Work

2008-02-11T22:34:00.000-08:00

I dont know why professors always put me in group work situations when Im a college student. I thought half the reason I worked my ass off in high school was to avoid interaction with people I deem socially awkward. I mean, its a given im not getting paired off with the hot girl or the guy whos tossing out compliments left and right. Nope, im getting the gothic girl and the foriegn exchange student from Africa every time. And thats quite alright most of the time, but when we are than told to discuss the effects of Tolstoy on further Russian literature, I'm at a loss for words.

We all know how the politics of group work plays out next. The ugly girl starts getting antsy that some guy is looking at her, so in order do divert attention she pulls out a paper and pen and offers to do the writing. You, being a male im assuming because theres no way girls would read this site...if their was a chance in hell of that id probably change my name to B-Diddy and just post pics of myself on the site...anyways back to the point, so while the hag gets to work on writing the assignment, the exchange student decides to go ahead and immediately disagree with the first point she makes in the discussion. The girl looks up in a fit of anger but is quickly overwhelmed by social anxiety and just instead stares at the exchange student.

This is my most common experience when it comes to group work. Human interaction at its best.

Some more tidbits about this First "Gangster"

2008-01-15T00:46:00.000-08:00

-He says he loves "Italian War Dogs"...What the fuck is that all about, honestly man, Im speechless. Thats probably something you need to talk to a shrink about.
-He says he hates reading. Surprise Surprise.
-The quote "Baller status Acquired" exsists on his facebook page.

I could go on and on, but i actually just wanted to say ive decided to do a daily bio of the jackasses falling for these lame ass trends in college. I usually piss off enough that this could go on for years, I swear. Or at least until the first guy sicks his Italian War dogs on me.

The Shit I Deal With: Part 1-The Needledick

2008-01-15T00:41:00.001-08:00

I wont give away this guys name, but hes 20 years old and a stoner. Hes about 5'9 and 140. His friend had threatened to shoot me because I made fun of his aviators. This escalated quick and at some point in the scuffle, he decided he was Chuck Liddell and jumped in. He was quickly slammed. He than went to his car and got an air soft gun and shot my friend. Its funnier that he got the air soft gun than anything else, its like stabbing a guy with a spoon. He was than slammed by a guy no bigger than he. I was too busy with my own potential sniper to deal with him, but soon after he began posting comments on facebook telling people we jumped him.

I dont get this shit..but this is his response to me telling him to stop talking.

"look u rboi daniel is a birch and no kyle kyle didnt
slam me . apparently daniel being 40 pounds bigger than me couldnt fight me himeself he , he had his 2 friends help yea kyle was on me cause he didnt want shit fucked up so lets just say that was complrtgly unfair. so lets just say this if it goes down again it definitely
WILL be completely unfair he had his chance to fight me 1 on 1 . his pussy was wet that night and he needs to dry it off..... im a motherrfucker that doesnt give a fuck jsut to prove a point ill rolle to clemson with 20 heads thats how i Roll. watch ur fucking back fool if ur gina talk shit. to you i might look like a conservative white boy but dont let looks decieve you SON. "

This guy has been drinking Monsters and staring at himself in the mirror while doing pullups all day. I imagine he was jacked up enough at this point to write such an XtReMe message. I didnt bother responding. I told some black friends about his attempts to be ghetto and they handled it. I wont comment any further.

The Shit I Deal With: Intro

2008-01-15T00:33:00.000-08:00

I am absolutely the most normal person ever born. Compare me with Jesus Christ and youll defintely find that even he is odder than I am. Im the index for which all normalcy must be compared. I wear a plain polo shirt, jeans, and white high tops. I dont comb my hair. I dont wear it long. I dont talk jive. I drive a stock Grand Cheorokee. I am of average size (6'1 185). I am friendly but not outgoing. I am witty but not obnoxious. I am more than willing to pick on all my flaws. That being said, I find it astounding that I draw so much negative attention from the douchebag masses on college campuses. This pleases me, to be honest, to know that I can fight fire with fire and worst comes to worst I know in a fight I wont have to pretend im someone im not...this translates to "I will break a bottle over their heads than run and hide and set up some random person who walks by than never speak of the incident again..". I do, however, think its time I start unveiling some of the lamer messages I have received over the last few weekends.

These are all facebook messages from guys I mocked or called out jokingly at my friend Kyles party. I love that they send their threats via the internet than when push comes to shove find an excuse to run. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, any kid who tells you they are "tough" or "real" is probably no better a fighter than your alcoholic grandfather.

So...you dont like to read?

2008-01-15T00:30:00.001-08:00

I like to peruse facebook for 18 out of every 24 hours in a day. I search and meander and occasionally fall asleep or eat some olives or smoke a cigarette, but mostly I just look on in a near comatose state. One thing that always jumps out to me is the unbelievable amount of students who put the same fucking jokes down under the "Favirote Books" section on their profile. Do you people really think those cute chicks that accidentally come across your page will consider your illiteracy the ace in the hole? Do you honestly believe this makes you badass? I dont know when being close minded and lame became "hard" but im pretty sure its becoming a trend...oh god.

School Spirits' for Lameasses

2008-01-15T00:22:00.000-08:00

I tried to be subtle, but its just too hard. I like going to my schools basketball games. I have this feeling that by attending and staring at the opposing team menacingly, they will falter and the money I have on the game will be secured. Could I be wrong? Possibly, probably not, but possibly.

Unfortunately, all the positive karma I try to develop through my presence at the game is consistently ruined by the droves of students doing the wave and screaming at the top of their lungs. Im pretty sure these SOBs are causing the schools team to get overconfident. This is killing me and my wallet. All I can do now is point a finger at these people and ask...why?

Why do you get so caught up in a team you can only really identify with for 4 years? Why do you try to create "tradition" by acting as though every game is an epic rivalry when in all honesty, unless you attend a Big Ten or SEC school, your teams considered shit nationally? I dont know, but being surrounded by a sea of green is enough to make a guy want to quit gambling forever, and that is just not happening. Somethings got to give, and I think it can start by not painting letters on your stomachs. Give it a shot, I guarantee not only will the people around you appreciate it, but so will I....and my bookie.

Your Penis is Not Big

2007-12-30T16:34:00.000-08:00

College and moreso now, High school, students love to talk about how big their penii are. (I am refering to male students...obviously.) I mean, the way dudes like to talk about this shit, you would think that their penis grew an inch every time they exaggerated.

Last night, some polish goober named Gutowski felt the need to tell a girl in front of him he had a 9 inch penis. I quickly challenged him to prove it.

Im not the gay one here, if he does in fact have a 9 inch penis, im going to give him a pat on the back and whistle with awe.

Odds are, however, hes packing an uncircumcised choad built more for a hand than a girl. 99 Percent of the guys who tell you how bigs their dicks are, can relate to Gutowski. Keep it in your pants and keep it to yourself.

The Trendy Gangsters Handshake

2007-12-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

I like to shake hands as if im clamping a slap of concrete. I squeeze so tight I want to hear your knuckles pop. To me, it means im the man, and thats whats important in life...knowing your the man.

Unfortunately, one of the many cultural diffusions from black people that has seeped into middle class white society is the complicated handshake.

I know, i know, when im drinking, nothing is more satisfying in the world than completing one of these handshakes with a black guy. It means your the shit, your open minded, your real, your penis is gigantic. Come on though, does shaking hands really need to be so difficult? I promise, it never looks cool to see some caucasion goobers slap hands. No girl appreciates it. Youd be much better off breaking that fuckers hand.

Pocket Chains, Cause Fun Can Be Badass

2007-12-30T16:18:00.000-08:00

My friend Kyle had a party at his house this weekend. It sucked. I like to go to my own bed and cope with alcohol poisoning before going back out the next night. Not happening at Kyles, though. Everyone stayed the night. Friday night was excellent, I went 2 for 5 in beer pong and polished off an 18 pack which put me in "Life of the Party" mode. Fooled around with a girl who, on her mothers grave, was 19 or 20...or something of age, she swore. To top it off, I led a fight against a typical "I take pics of myself throwing gang signs in the mirror for myspace" wankster who had previously threatened to shoot me.

The house was so gone by this point, before the battle, I led about 20 kids in a chant mimicking the under arm commercial. "What time is it??" I roared. "Game time!"

Drunk white guys love to release inner testosterone on one another.

But alas, it was not game time, but instead bed time. I passed out soon after, vomited on myself many a time, and started to question if I would die the death of a hero.

Noon rolled around and some shits were still there. Who were these kids? I dont know. They arrived around 7-8am Kyle believed and they were all sporting pocket chains and bowls.

Apparently, the pocket chain craze didnt die with Waynes World. Its back baby. All we need now is the revival of Zebra Pants and we got ourselves a party. Anyways, all these guys had the Pete Wentz look going on and I began to realize just where my life had led me, sitting in a puddle of vomit with marker on my face, and surrounded by 17 year olds with pocket chains.

Yea

Yeah...I dont care about Darfur

2007-12-04T15:04:00.001-08:00

Students held a rally at UNCC for Darfur last week. I dont think this is a big surprise to anyone seeing how students hold a rally for Darfur every week. I'm starting to wonder why college kids are so drawn to this shit hole of a country. I mean...if its about finding a cause (and it always is with these kids) than how about devoting that much time to losing weight or getting a hair cut?

Im not unsympathetic for Darfur personally, but I can think of at least 10-20 things that would be more fun, and just as helpful to the people of Darfur without rallying:
1. Sleeping
2. Drinking beer
3. Throwing rocks at people holding rallies for Darfur
4. Taking a crap
5. Driving to McDonalds
6. Facebooking for 5 hours straight
7. Teasing a homeless man
8. Running from the homeless man
9. Resting my eyes and pretending to sleep
10.Braiding bracelts that say "Save Darfur" than selling them for 5 dollars a piece

Thats just a sample folks. I can think of many more. See, Ive come to terms with the following things:
1. Activism is an easy way to feel fulfilled but accomplish nothing
2. Going to rallies means being surroumded by ugly girls
3. We have just as many tougher problems going on in our own country
4. Nothing will change in Darfur because conflict involving these tribes and Sudan has much more history than we can imagine and its unlikely a student at an American University with a toilet seat that costs more than a refugee tent can understand the situation from both perspectives.

So...if anyones trying to get their hands on some Save Darfur t-shirts or panties made from 100percent natural materials and the sweat and blood of child laborers in China, hit me up.

My Petty and Wonderful Christmas Wishlist

2007-11-25T21:27:00.000-08:00

I decided nows as good a time as ever to make my wish list. Its really a nice change of pace actually, now, instead of reserving these spiteful wishes for strictly blowing out candles and breaking the wishbone after thanksgiving, I can just air it all out at once. Fuck yes.

1. A Servant of some kind. No ethnicity really required, but a person who can do my bidding, plant some profitable crops for me, and remind me how lucky and amazing I am. I will consider a butler, but they tend to have to much lip.

2. 20 dollars. Im not picky. 20 dollars is a good gift. I could buy beer and a t-shirt that tells people im a slacker and if its especially cheap beer and fabric, I could also afford a pack of Camels. Jesus thats like a fucking days worth of fun right there.

3. New York City- Every burrough, every bridge, every person. Id scoop it up, tilt it vertically, and watch as the largest gathering of scummy guidos and brownstoners fall into the ocean. If they survive, ill force them to reside in Jersey. If Bostonians give me any more lip, theyre next. Ill probably re-design New York after this genocide. Id make it cool, rename it Gotham, find someone to be the cities batman, burn every FDNY cap I can find, and make a giant loft across Times Square that everyone has to walk by while I expose some Morning Wood in my glass walled house. Elaborate? Hell no!

4. A really cool, rundown looking record player so I can show it off in my dormroom while young semi-alternative girls look on in fascination at my sophisticated musical tastes. Maybe we could sip some Chardonnay afterwards and talk about Dylan and activism and my awesome college beard.

thats all

Joining the Army vs. Going to College

2007-11-20T14:06:00.000-08:00

After recently learning that I have been placed on academic probation yet again, a thought crossed my mind. Maybe college isnt for me. Maybe im too smart, to strong, to cool and hip to be left on a campus taking classes about theory and bullshit. Thats when I saw an army recruiter. He waved at me with that patriotic stature only Uncle Sam can give you.

Damn, maybe I should join the army. The thought whizzed through my mind for a second, than was quickly replaced by the devastating revalation that, in fact, the Army probably sucks just as bad. If I had to choose, though, I have realized the decision will be tough.

Reasons to join the Army:
-No classes
-No such thing as academic probation
-Dont ask dont tell policy would prevent flamers behind me from gossiping and rubbing their nips.
-No theory, all practice
-I could defintely use all of my athletic prowess to its fullest ability. God knows that high school lacrosse career only showed a fleeting glimpse of how physically superior I am. I got honorable mention all conference...not to brag or anything...
-I could shoot a gun
-I could shoot a gun at people I dont understand
-Diversity day would involve walking up a street and buying lunch
-I could drink in public more often
-I could probably steal a plane and fly it around with some of those hotass Bagdhad girls.
-I wouldnt have to see anymore dreadlocked faggots who think theyre the 2nd coming of Bob Marley, when in fact theyre the second coming of PeeWee Herman.
-No fraternities...well not really

Reasons to Stay in College:
-Girls
-Beer Pong
-If I shoot a gun, no one will shoot back at me (very influential point)
-I only have to hear dudes barking and shit when I walk by the frat house.
-Girls
-Did I mention girls?
-I can drink American Beer, not Bagdhads Best Light.
-While there is too much bullshit, I can continue to rely on my bullshitting skills to get ahead.
-I can cry basically whenever I want
-I can walk around in my boxers at night and drink beer, while holding a gun...something I belive the army may frown upon
-In two years, if I decide to quit, I can simply stop coming to class, something tells me those bastards from the Army would find me.
-I can continue to be a coward and still talk a bigger game than anyone I know.
-No required tattoos for me baby.

Things I Can Do After Drinking

2007-11-18T21:32:00.000-08:00

1 Beer- All of a sudden I forget I was supposed to turn off the oven, I forget I am failing two classes and teetering on probation once again, I forget I just got a speeding ticket one week before my insurance dropped.

2 Beers- I suddenly am capable of smoking a cigarette in 3 seconds. I can also put my arms around my friends and know that they totally feel as lovey-dovey as me.

3 Beers- I can truly appreciate how amazing Hinder really is. I even start to get a little rhythym. Careful ladies, this guy can bust out the pelivs thrusts like no one but Elvis!

4 Beers- I can suddenly become totally invisible while peeing. This allows me to urinate in front of courthouses, in baseball stadiums, in front of a friends house, in front of my own house, in front of an apartment complex, in front of a concert, and in front of many other locales. This is an incredible discovery as beforehand, people believed it was impossible to become invisible. I have proved them wrong.

5 Beers- I can suavely walk up to any girl, and drop a one liner that knocks her panties off within a second. Shes feeling the vibes, im feeling the vibes, and to kick it off I am still capable of becoming invisible if I want!

6 Beers- I have suddenly obtained the ability to run nearly 60 mph and jump over 10 feet high fences. This is apparent usually after a friend sees a police officer and I realize, "Hey, what the fuck...I can get away anytime I fucking want!". Than I proceed to jump over those fences with ease. Sometimes I drink from my beer can while in mid-air and become invisible and start peeing. Cause I can.

7 Beers- I can devour a hamburger, a pizza, and a styrofoam cup in 13 seconds.

8 Beers- I obtain the ability to now EAT my cigarette.

9 Beers- I can finally stand saying hello and doing a pound with guys in torn jeans and hollister shirts. Its all because after 9 beers, I have gained the ability to socialize with these people without being contaminated. Really a good feeling, feels like im giving back.

10 Beers- I can answer a phone call and still sound sober. Like for real. No mom, i havent been drinking. I dont know where we are. Hey mom, by the way, I think i can become invisible. OK, see you later!"

11 Beers- I can shoot beer pong balls into any and every cup, and than use those same balls to kill my opponents with one swift throw. It is amazing.

12 Beers- I begin to feel woozy...or horny. But after this I dont remember. I think I started flying or socializing with the homeless..I dont know.

What Your Major Says About You

2007-11-15T22:55:00.000-08:00

I needed a column that really opens up the site to new possibilities and new readers (sorry mom i need more than one). That said, I decided all my judging of people and analysis could be put together to typecast each person in college, simply by their major. I know im right on with this bad boy too.

1.Architecture: Smart, efficient, hiding one single emotional scar that will tail them for life, clean cut, sarcastic

2. Art History- Smell musty, have been locked in library book shelves before, too much pubic hair on the face, liberal elitist, future McDonalds historian (cashier)

3. Biology-Humble, low key, ugly as all get out

4. Business- Unlikeable, believe you have charisma when its in fact a slight retardation, very little to no real business skills.

5. Communications- Very boring and hard to communicate with unless it involves that person and his/her boring life. Less attractive than youd think.

6. Engineering- Like biology only foriegners who are uglier than all get out, smarter than all get out too though.

7. Foriegn Language- Future migrant laborer

8. Geography- Watched Indiana Jones as a child, masturbate to Harrison Ford frequently.

9. Healthcare- You clean asses and touch sick people for a living. I will never allow you to touch me without a glove on. If thats ok, than we should totally get to know one another.

10. Math/Stat- You were smart in high school, fell in love with how accpeting a college full of kids like you could be, than quickly realized your department is dreary, your teachers are dreary, and the kids walking in and out of the Arts and Sciences classes are having much better lives.

11. English- You have no redeemable talent to society. I am so sorry.

12. Information Technology- You will keep the seat warm for Raji in Bangladash for a few years. You will also be meeting a girl from Art History and having terribly sad relations, but who gives a shit, your in IT.

13. Web Design: You read my blogs and laugh at how low technology they are and slap high fives. One day, Ill make you all re-design my blogs for free because if you dont, Ill beat up your children. So take that.

14. Teaching- Good looking girls, nice enough guys, absolute air of arrogance and self assuredness that smells of fish. Thats unfortunate I know.

15. Political Science- You like to wear your hair a bit scraggly, read some Socialistg Realism, and sip wine while listening to NPR. You have endless one liners. Unfortunately, outside talking Marx v. Lenin, your social skills are as capable as Borat.

Top 5 Worst College Movies of All-Time

2007-11-15T22:49:00.000-08:00

1. American Pie 2
2. Sydney White
3. Dorm Daze 1 and 2
4. Stomp the Yard
5. Old School

Im not getting into detail here. American Pie plays off cliches that I cant even fathom anymore. Sydney White has Amanda Bynes who went from cute, to average, to below average in about 6 months. Someone get her some coke and red bull. National Lampoons Dorm Daze is exactly the shit college kids eat up and try to recreate. Well I hate it cause the fat kid from old Disney Movies circa 1995 is in it, but hes not too fat anymore so hes just ugly. Stomp the Yard is spoken in jive, not english, so i couldnt even begin to judge it. Old School had a good cast but sorta made you believe girls actually want to meet Vince Vaughn and Andy Dick.

I Dont Want Your F'ing Flier

2007-11-15T22:45:00.000-08:00

Im walking to my car, trying to check and see if my car was the most recent victim of vandilzation, when all of a sudden I realize im being yelled at. I turned around and two smallish sorority girls who definitely stem from the "were not that hot but defintely slutty" branch are glaring at me, causing a ruckus. Apparently, while daydreaming on my walk to the car, I passed them while they tried to hand me a flier for a dollar off entrance to some new club downtown. I never even noticed them. Uusally, if your not super attractive and smell like roses/tulips....Im going to walk right on by. Sorry. But these girls wouldnt drop it. They make a dramatic scene out of it, calling me a jerk and acting as though im the retarded one who cant get a real job and needs to pass out fliers to burnt out clubs that change names but keep the same fucking themes and crowds.

Oh well, at least my car wasnt vandalized.

Every College Kid Should Run for President

2007-11-15T22:36:00.000-08:00

Its official. 100 percent of the students I have polled (made up in my head) have claimed that they are fit to be president. Its astounding that in a country where less than 10 percent of the population even finds the job admirable, such a whopping percentage of young, ignorant, elitists seem to think they could reach out to a divided country.

Whether it be the Christian but still reaaaaalllly indie Starbucks sippin "brah" or the over-the-top wine cooler swigging frat boy, College students all feel they could lead the country better than leaders with decades of experience. Alfred "Pimpin'" Schwartzman proclaimed to me in front of his Black History class that "President Bush is jus stealing that oil, whack ass motherfucker! I would git us da fuck out Iraq and get sum dat healthcare!" Expecting the rest of the class to applaud this young Jewish mans vibrant black attitude, I was pleased to see everyone look on with disdain. Mario DeMario, a young African American student carjacked than taunted "Pimpin" after class...no word if this was in reaction to the comments.

Still, the underlying thought on college campuses around the country is clear, "We are better than you!" With the intensity and commitment of Nazi Youth but the physical power and street smarts of a Nicole Richie, this makes for a demographic with one tremendous bark, and one laughable bite.

Ways to Become Famous for Having a Blog:

2007-11-15T22:29:00.000-08:00

I get this thought in my head all the time. Im sitting around, smoking and eating green olives and staring down passerbys, and all of a sudden I start thinking, man...I have so much more potential than these shitheads. I bet if I wrote a blog, people would listen.

And than I exhale.

Jesus, what a stupid idea. Sadly, a lot of you people seem to disagree with me. Too many of you bastards believe blogs are the wave of the future. Im here to tell you, no one got rich AND happy off blogging. Tucker Max has discarded his blogs, Maddox as well. The two most famous commentary guys in the world got to the pinnacle of blog-success, only to decide theyd much rather be c-list celeberities. So keep your chin up all you future Ryan Holidays and Bill Simmons', cause here are 3 ways you CAN become rich and famous and endlessly satisfied from blogging:

1. Get a webcam, a farm animal, and a vivid imagination
2. Take cheesy 80s songs and put them to the background of clips from melocramatic tv shows.
3. Critique every aspect of mainstream society because you are edgy as hell.

If your willing to try any of these methods, you will surely find happiness in the blogosophere!

Wedding Weekend

2007-10-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

In case you havent tried it, I have realized this weekend that it is absolutely vital for everyone between the ages of 18 and 21 to attend a wedding. If this involves breaking into a synagogue, sneaking onto the beach, or simply watching your friends get hitched, dont ask questions, just do it.

This weekend my uncle from Myrtle Beach got married at a 4 million dollar house on the beach. I swear to god Tony Montana probably did coke off of the crystal tables I lounged beside (passed out on).

For college kids though, weddings are everything a frat party was supposed to be, but never is. Free booze, drunk and available women, family members or friends around that allow you to be "in the comfort zone" and get you home safely. It really was a great time.

In the course of about 5 hours, I managed to swallow 15-20 (i lost count after 1 unfortunately, but rumor has it that I could have gone upwards of 20) beers from the keg, lift a new, fucking full keg onto the beach where I once again found myself lounging alone, staring at the moon (the way people were meant to drink, no pictures or pretension around), pick up the bride, her brother, and the bartender in a matter of 2-3 hours, and demand my horrified mother buy me a cigarette at any cost. Things went well, very well.

Highlights of the night:
-My dad and I in line for the keg when a man strongly resembling Ace Ventura cuts us, with sunglasses and the hawian shirt matching his spiffy gelled haircut. My dad starts cracking the one-liners from the movie. Guy looks at us half ashamed, half ready to pull out the Mask and morph into another Jim Carrey character. Instead he just walked away, greatly disheartened. This was particularly funny because my dad may very well be the quietest, most open minded man alive. Apparently he has a hatred for Ace Ventura I never knew, however.

-Brides brother telling me "Your a very good looking guy", than upon seeing his wife, recoiling and overcompensating by taking his arm off my back, and chirping in, "Your going to get ass brother tonight!". Im not one to give a shit if your gay or not, and I was absolutely not bothered, but his awkward attempt to be more masuline than maybe even Hulk Hogan afterwards made me cringe.

-Bride telling my mother she wanted to run away with me....yeah.

-Grandpa taking the guitar from hippie guitarist from the band he had hired and throwing it in the pool, than telling him he would kill him next. I was down there by this point feeling mildly intoxicated, and chirped in that "I wanna cut off your ponytail".

-My other uncle pulling out his temporary denture for his tooth he had lost in some kind of accident last week, grabbing me, and dragging me over to the bartender, who happened to be 19, sorta cute in a 20 cups of Coors Lite later sort of way, and highly illegal as a bartender. He told her I was interested, I told her I was verrrrrry interested. My uncle than proceeded to hand me his denture. I scurried away.

-My mom and 23 yr old cousin dragging me out of the house at 3am, convincing me that I had to get to the hotel. I than had the mother of all bitch fits and demanded a smoke or else I wouldnt sleep ever again. I was so mad that when a guy happened to park into a spot my cousin tried to fit into, I left the car, threw a water bottle at him, than scurried away yet again. I arrived in the hotel lobby sooner or later, still bitching. This makes me blush even now, but my mom was so distraught about my behavior she actually asked the man at the front desk for a cigarette and a box of matches for her son. Yeah, I have hit a new low. Asshole gave me menthol too.

Man, I Never Knew I was Such a Racist!

2007-10-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take this oppurtunity to apologize to all of my readers (mom) for being such a blatant and terrible racist/sexist/homophobe. I never even knew I had these terrible, terrible biases until, luckily, esteemed leaders like Jesse Jackson and Gloria Allred became heroes on my college campus in the last few weeks. It seems that the majority of the students in college believe that 90 percent of white males at the school our bigots. I'm a logical man and this probably means I am as well. This is unfortunate, I can no longer hang out with my black friends anymore, god knows i'll say something awful.

Seriously here though, why the fuck do college students think they have enough life experience to properly determine whos racist and who isnt? I am drowning in the bitching and moaning I see every day. We've got the educated black kids who totally turn their backs on their heritage and instead get caught up in raising issue over every and anything. The Jena 6 is a good example of this. I agree that the whiteys causing trouble down there all deserve an epic beatdown, and I agree that the system can be crooked, but why on earth do kids living in Charlotte North Carolina feel it is their responsibility to weigh the situation.

But I imagine the black kids have some connection to these cases of activism. What really gets me is when the unattractive white girls and the scraggly professors tag along. Talk about two groups of people who have absolutely no right to even discuss the merits of racism let alone judge people, I have to admit, if hating these types of people was racist, I would be in jail for hate crimes for many many years.

We go to college because we want to learn something or we want something to do before life really begins. We dont come into that campus any smarter than people who never went to college and we dont leave that campus any better a person than anyone else. Unfortunately, somehow I left campus a racist and an asshole, all because I had the bad luck of being born a honkey.

Ultimate Frisbee or Blackberries....Whats Gayer?

2007-10-10T18:20:00.000-07:00

The two latest trendy flavors sweeping the nation and colleges alike are raising the bar for gayness in society. Ultimate Frisbee and Blackberries....the absolute epitome of pathetic trends your going to be faced with sooner than later. The question here is not whether or not you should get involved, but rather, which one is more fun to make fun of while watching out your tiny window in your 1 room apartment while Debbie Does Dallas blares in the background?

To discover this answer, my friends, I have weighed the gayness, and the flamer-ness of both trends and lay my case before you.

Ultimate Frisbee
Pros- A sport, Outdoors, Hot girls participate...well not real hot, but cute in the "I Love Jesus" sorta way...thats ok though.

Cons- Can be played barefoot, involved a frisbee, includes the word "ultimate", allows fat girls and ugly girls to play as well, was the basis of an Air Bud movie at one point...

Blackberries
Pros-Can be thrown at people if ever in a drunken bitch fight over the last Long Island Ice Tea.
Cons- Small, makes me feel like I'm one of those Asian dudes who buys into everything Steve Jobs ever said, Doesent allow me to visit the post office, encourages me to be inactive.

Well folks, in my mind, the Blackberries had fewer positives, but the cons of the cult-like Ultimate Frisbee trend was just a bit too powerful in the end and claimed the thrown for Trend of the Week. The clincher was seeing all these fat and ugly girls come out of their caves and get on the intramural fields tonight while I watched from my one room apartments small window while Debbie Does Dallas blared in the background...or something like that.

Why Do College Kids Like Hearing Animals Moan?

2007-10-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

Its bad enough seeing 20,000 douchebags walking around campus with iPods strapped into their ears, but its a whole new ballgame when that music coming out of your ear wax coated headphone sounds anything like animals moaning. Sadly, tis the case at universities around the country as young twenty-somethings strive for any oppurtunity to be edgy or hip. Thus, bands like "The Tragically Hip" and "Franz Ferdinand" begin becoming more and more popular. Soon, everyone on campus thinks that Acoustic is the only way to go and that Hootie and the Blowfish were especially cool...mainly because they had a black lead singer...and thats fucking edgy.

The point im trying to make is simple, if your going to listen to music on your iPod and completely go against everything music ever stood for (individualism, non-comfority, respect for the past), at least play some music we all can enjoy. There is nothing appealing about Coldplay or DMB. These are just a collection of white guys whining about nonexsistent love lives. I mean, I would be pretty whiney too if I had to sleep with Gwenyth Paltrow, but Chris Martins been doing long before that magical duo got together.

If you need some guidance as for what to listen to, think back to when you were a kid, think back to all those movies about college were kids go to indie concerts or wear Ramones t-shirts, and than completely erase all of that shit. Now, turn on some blues, light up an old man cigar, and engage yourself in a little thing called "Real Music"...I promise youll like it.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Fucking Way

2007-10-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not an unusaully private guy. I openly discuss by B.M.s with friends and strangers alike, I get semi naked in front of teammates before hockey than wrestle...just for the stretching, you know?...., and I will usually tell you my every emotional trauma I have ever been a part of after a 6 pack of Yuengling.

I draw the line when it comes to feet, though.

In fact, I am having a realllllly hard time even tolerating this recent craze sweeping across college and high school campuses encouraging students to wear sandles. Its one thing for a good looking chick to do it. In fact, I say wear them as often as you want, I wont discriminate as long as your attractive, dumb, and perfectly resemble my idealized version of a girl. But its a completely different ballgame when males start throwing them on. I dont know about you but I dont care how relaxed Steve Johnson and his aching feet are with Rainbows on. I still think his bunyons are almost as repulsive as his receeding hair line. Their is no way in hell a piece of the anatomy known for bunyons, corns, and yellow nails should ever be within 100 feet of my body unless covered with socks and shoes.

In a perfect world, everyone would have Knubs. Their legs would end at their ankles and they would hobble around looking attractive as hell. We wouldnt have to worry about stray feet rubbing against us. We wouldnt have to see anymore ingrown toe-nails. Life would be so beautiful, Im actually beginning to cry as I type this. In a world without feet, a thousand dreams could come true.

Ask One More Question and Im Calling You Fat

2007-10-04T21:10:00.001-07:00

5 minutes left.
Desperate just to get out of class for 15 minutes and get lunch before heading off to work.
Professor looks bored.
I feel bored.
The lesson has been learned, lets just call it a day.
Wait!
What?!
Oh fucking no!
The girl in front of me who looks part pig, part hippo, part banshee has decided todays lesson didnt quite whet her appetite yet. Shes got a little question to ask.
Well isnt that cute.
I never understood the concept of students asking questions about menial shit. First of all, why do you give a shit? The answer the teacher will supply is never satisfactory. Why not just go home and wikipedia why Bhagavad Gita is still popular in India?
Well, someone never sent this memo i wrote up to banshee fatty in front of me.
And so we wait...
and wait...
and wait until finally the teacher stops giving her the evil eye because she just ruined his chance to get to the crapper and try to piss out a few kidney stones before hotwiring his piece of shit car and heading to a matinee movie.
"Well..."
Suddenly teacher is overcome by all of the past movies like Freedom Writers and Dangerous Minds. Suddenly he thinks to himself "Hey, maybe I am making a difference in these kids. Maybe this girl represents the whoooole class!"
And so he rambles.
Youve been there, Ive been there, how are we going to fight off these students who ask questions right before class ends?
I have a few observations that may help in the battle to profile and root out these evildoers.
1. Ugly
2. Fat
3. Librarian Glasses
4. Sandles
5. Ugly as fuck...did i mention that?

If you see one of these students in your classroom, immediatly rush out and skip this lecture, for you will not be coming home until well after night fall.

Yes, in fact, something is up my ass...

2007-09-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not one to jump into any trend. That may be why I made a site mocking trends. Than again, I did sorta jump onto that whole blogging trend...well shit....fuck it thats not the point. For the last few weeks in class I have had a pain in the ass classmate so annoying, I believe he has actually infected my ass. Its that bad.

I should have known shit would go sour the moment I first saw him. Short, latino, wearing a floppy hat and all too quick to take off his crocks and go without footwear during class. This guy had "Low self esteem" written all over him. Unfortunately, when you have low self esteem, you may at times feel obliged to over-exagerate your confidence and become loud and obnoxious. This was the case with this S.O.B.

Talking in loud, overly positive tones, he quickly began asking questions, pretending he was so relaxed he could almost fall asleep, and oddly enough he seemed to be having fun in class. He tapped girls on the shoulder than smiled at them and said it wasnt him, he befriended a blind guy, and he kept mentioning that we should come out to a "realllly good christian indie concert" with him...the truth was in the pudding.

Sadly, yesterday he finally decided he was getting sick of hitting on fat and ugly girls who like his flirtatious yet non threatening behavior. He decided to turn that last stone over and get to know me. I am not a quiet guy normally, but when someone is as obnoxious and happy as him, I tend to stick to myself. That didnt last long, though. Yesterday, when the professor got my name wrong, the little shit head decided that he had found an in. "Hey brah, you should tell him to pronounce it right!!teheeehee!" I smiled at him grimly, not trying to destroy his fragile ego but not trying to encourage him anymore.

This smile apparently was a bad decision. Three minutes later he asks me whats up out of the blue. Before I can respond with a grunt, he calls out "The sky!!" than laughs his ass off. Some douchebag in the back laughed to. I hate that person as well.

At the end of class, I was shaken by his attempts to penetrate my hostility but determined to get out of the room intact. Unfortunately, he comes flying behind me at 40 miles an hour, his little legs pattering against the ground so hard, and he tags my ass. "Your it! Tehehe!!" he than flies away, quickly pursued by another unidentified douchebag.

I got home determined to understand what makes this runt tick. After hours of research, I concluded that he was motivated to impress others because of his small size and at an early age he was given the choice of being overly conforming and friendly, or being picked on as a small piece of shit. Clearly, this young man made a jackass choice. He has become a festering ass pain like none other. I hope hes happy.

I ABSSSSOLUTELY love those Southern Gentlemen!

2007-09-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

As per usual, during about the 5th hour of facebook stalking I had endured today after work, I was disgusted to discover a new group I had been invited to, "I Love my Southern Gentleman!".

Now...normally I just hit deny and go back to my search for nip slips. Today, however, I was much too curious to see just how backwards the world has come to. From the moment the home page loaded, I was blinded with croakies and cheesy bitches who still call black people "coloreds". Could I possibly have stumbled into the new gate to hell? Could everything thats wrong with the world actually be summed up in one facebook page?

The answer is yes.

35 pictures of chubby frat boys with names like Grayson and Carlton waving Blue Moon that they likely never finish and visors saying shit like "Oak Ridge Slaveholders Club", 100 wall posts from girls without a single flaw praising these guys, and not one man brave enough to have challenged these people so far. I was appalled.

Call me a hater, call me jealous, but I think we need to clarify some shit here.
1.)The Southern Gentlemen are guys who ride on boats theyre parents purchased.
2.)The Southern Gentlemen belieive they are handsome and manly, even though they had a servant put on those lift kits to the custom Jeep and they lack chins due to poor genetics from their British and inbred roots.
3.)Southern Gentlemen like to go out of their way to fulfill a stereotype, even if it means selling their soul. This includes relentlessly hitting on every girl in site by telling her, "Hey, you should come drink Bud Light on my dads boat with me!" or "Hey, let me hold that door for you, god knows im strong enough!"
4.)The Southern Gentleman is extremely scared of everyone not named Grayson or Carlton and will usually avoid contact with anyone outside of their tax bracket. This may be because they are elitists, or it may just be because they will indeed get a massive ass whooping which no man can measure.

So please, refrain from the Southern Gentleman comments, these jackasses cant even string together their own croakies let alone be someone unique.

Possible Facebook Apps 2 Weeks From Now

2007-08-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

I'm getting pretty gosh darn tired of all the poking, ranking, and overall horseplay being promoted by Facebook. Its a known fact that Facebook Poking causes 5 percent of college pregnancies every year. Do we really need that!!?!?!? With the absurd new applications popping out every day like a Mexican at the Unemployment Office, I thought I would go ahead and introduce a few of the new apps bound to become available to the public.

1. Facebook Poker
-God knows some Asian kid is going to take this too far and start raving about how pimp his 300,000 facebook poker chips are...

2. Facebook...and Beyond
-Im holding out hope for this one, an "adult" facebook where people can reveal a little more than just their face..if you catch my drift...boobs....i meant boobies...

3.) Facebook Spam
- Some dumb ass is going to introduce spam to facebook and in a matter of minutes im going to find out that new wall post wasnt from a hot girl, but instead, a girl named Lavondah who wants to sell me penile implants. Cmon Lavondah, I dont need implants...just a helping hand!

4.)Facebook Popularity Meter
-Just how popular are you amongst your friends? Well why not let facebook ruin your life and tell you? This ones just about a lock to ruin the life of every girl who told herself she was indie and turned out to be ugly...sorry sweetie.

5 Easy Ways to Save Money During Your First Year

2007-08-16T22:16:00.000-07:00

My first year in college, I burnt through cash like Pacman Jones at a Strip Club. I was making it rain from the cafeteria to the nightclub every day. By Summer Break I was eating crack rock flavored cocoa puffs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Dont let this happen to you, by following these 5 easy suggestions, you can save hundreds, maybe even thousands, of dollars every year!

1.) Steal From the Bookstore
----Bookstore workers are either a.) incompetent people who wear school spirit wear or b.) ugly people who wear school spirit wear and dont look as good as the first type. Either way, your not going to get caught stealing from the bookstore. The first type of person wouldnt even realize you were stealing 4 bottles of Tylenol and a whole curriculum set on nude art. The ugly workers on the other hand, might realize you are stealing, but are far too intimidated by your impressive physique to question you. Cast a scowl on them and walk away!

2.) Dont Bring Your Car
----"No, asshole, I dont have to be DD just because you couldnt afford to bring a car to college!" sound like a conversation you often find yourself in? Avoid this by trading in your car for a pair of sporty roller blades. The girls/guys will be catcalling at you day and night!

3.)Attend Christian Oriented Activities
----Hey, who wants to party with Jesus?!?!? Sure, he doesent have any beer or kegs, but any party in the name of the Jesus is going to have free food, innocently hott chicks, and...well thats about it...but hey why the hell not?

4.)Steal from Frat Parties
----This is a personal favirote. For every frat party that demands you X your hand if your under 21, you should steal at least 4-5 items of value. You could see a lamp or a beat up paddle to the grimy Mexicans at a nearby flea market for at least 10-12 dollars. Thats big money man. We are talking an 18 pack of shit beer.

5.) Gamble
----God man, just do it, dont be a pussy! Gamble that scholarship away! It gives life an interesting zest when your washing the basketball teams dirty laundry for a year all so they wont hit that free throw that kills your spread. Hell Yes!

Gross, Its a Blemish!

2007-08-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

Listen guys, if their is one thing you want to make sure and do as the school year starts, this is it. Avoid anyone who appears flawed. Trust me. If you want to make friends, now is the time to start weeding out the bad or not-quite-ripe seeds. Old high school pal walk with a gimp? Run away, CoEd, Run away! Hes only going to make everyone think hes your boyfriend!

Wheelchair bound buddy's novelty starting to wear off at parties? Bust a pipe over those wheels and leave him to fend for himself.

I'm serious here, boys and girls, ditch the flawed friends before you get ditched yourself. Yeah, at first everyones going to be extra nice to mustasche girl and midget boy because they feel pity. But guess what, your not mustasche girl or midget boy. Your just the even lamer friend stuck with them.

No matter how deep the bond or how much you owe them, cut the ties now pal, because youll be better off and better looking come tommorow!

Ways to Look Mature in Time for College

2007-07-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

Troubled by your boyish face and hairless legs? Concerned about your squaky voice and frail figure? No need to fear, Class of '11, Flavor of the Weak is here. We know how scary it can be in the weeks leading up to the first day of classes. Everyones so damn insistent on "becoming" a college student as soon as they graduate high school. This metamorphisis is a tricky, and completely false transformation, but one that the majority of 18 year olds feel they need to experience in order to be just like the college kids theyve seen in classics like Van Wilder and American Pie 2.

So, how do you go from being High School Henry to College Chuck? Follow our simple 5 step plan and youll see results in no time. People will be mistaking you for a sophisticated looking douchebag, rather than an acne ridden turd in no time!!

Step 1: Grow a Beard of Get a G-String

Not to be considered a viable choice for either genders, this is meant more as seperate suggestions for seperates sexes. For men, growing a beard is that easiest way to say, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college, and Im totally laidback!!!!!" for girls, the g-string says, "Hey, im not in high school anymore, im in college and im totally ready to try a threesome with some sweaty frat guys!!!" Bonus points for a beard that extends beyond goatee proportions, girls will defintely find you bohemian, and thats considered a plus in coffee shop circles and within theatre student hangouts (Bagel Joints and lame parties)...

2. Yawn all the Time!
-Your in college now, your so totally over high school and your really living the college life by staying out LATE! Make sure everyone knows it by yawning every 5-10 seconds. This is especially effective when with a hottie and trying to kill that awkward silence. Just eat a tic tac beforehand.

3. IPOD baby, IPOD
-C'mon, what can possibly be more fucking hip than an ipod?! Dont even try me, and IPOD is the single coolest thing ever made. Much cooler than the wheel or the gay-dar. Seriously, carry that IPOD around so everyone can know you research you indie bands and you have an inner urge to pop it and lock it! Plus, the hip young black man in the commercials wearing his IPOD defintely went to college for a good 10 years, he knows all about living the college life.

4. Talk Black
-Its bad enough black people skip me in line all the fucking time and cut me off while driving. They also feel the need to force our young college students to speak like themselves whenever attempting to seem cool. The most common example of this is the faggot frat guy who likes to "holler" at girls...or should I call them his "shawties". I dont care to go into how many of the college students who fill hip enough to use black slang would be found dead after spending a night in the hood. I just know the number would be high. Very high. Sodomy and necrophilia would be involved. Stay out of the hood, waysome college students, keep your black lingo on campus where no one can challenge you.

5. Go Greek
-What better way to experience college than by going greek. Youve seen the movies, you know the alumni, and youve heard the stories. Its time to show everyone just how fucking awesome shotgunning Natty Light, in fact, is. Do it with pride, young students, for its not every day you get to wake up besides a bunch of drunk dudes forced to shower in the same communal bathroom. Mature. Very Mature!

Free Balling

2007-06-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

This is a trend that Flavor of the Weak would like to begin. We think free balling is going to be a major part of the future. When you freeball, you show your so damn busy being fucking cool that you only have time to unzip your pants and piss. No time for fiddling with briefs or boxers. When your getting laid, your just a tug of the pants away. The only caution we want to issue is freeballing in denim. This just has too many adverse effects, including severe rashes and zipper issues.

3rd World Countries Suck

2007-06-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

Recently, at the end of Spring semester, my professor asked all the students in class what their plans where for the Summer. What started out as an interesting activity to cap off the year quickly turned into a competetive game of one upmanship. Fat girl one declared she was going to Peru to give shoes to poor children. Pudgy frat guy two high fived the "bro" next to him and let us all know he was going to Cabo...to get....."DRUNK!!!" Than the smartass little bitch who cant comb his hair and wears Che Gueverra shirts decided to let us know he was going to be in the Philippines hiking and working on building houses. The chain followed, reaching every 3rd world country on the planet. Apparently, I took a class filled with martyrs and superheroes who will all one day save the world. I, for one, am going to Canada. I like to drink on the beach...ill be 19 so Ill be legal. I dont really want to get drunk too often, just have a little buzz, pick up some 36 year old female hockey player, and try to sleep it off. I guess I am shallow.

But you know what, shallow or not, I am going to fight this movement. Why are all these middle class college kids TRYING to go to shithole countries? The kids there need help, the societies are in disarray, but cant we do just as much good supporting our government and our charities. Certainly the Peace Corps (who work for President Bush all you hippy wannabes) and the Red Cross would rather just use your money than take on the liability of getting you over to another country just so you can feel fulfilled at the coffee shop discussions when you return.

The biggest problem here, though, isnt that people arent doing much good volunteering to go to 3rd world countries in the first place. NO, the problem is that these kids WANT to go. Do you like waking up with snakes crawling up your legs? Do you like going places where the government could collapse any moment now? Do you like visiting locations that have seen multiple suicide bombers visit in the past? I dont. I really really do not want to visit these areas. Its not even top 10. I think Vancouver and Madrid might be top 2, and the other 8 probably are in Greece or America, but I am sure that 3rd world countries dont make that list. Plus, who really wants to see a kid with 3 legs who grew up next to chernobyl during their summer break? Not me, my friends, not me.

Madden 08: Day in the Life Application Draws Criticism

2007-06-25T17:47:00.001-07:00

How far is Madden 08 willing to go? Honestly, the game has added every fuicking feature it could, absolutely everything. We get to fucking see things as THE PLAYERS SEE THINGS. When Peyton Manning gets a boner watching Tony Dungy in the showers, we get to see it. When Mike Vick teases his dog with a scrap of food before devouring it himself, we get to see it. When Sean Salisbury takes pictures of himself naked, we get to see it. I mean seriously...its getting pretty scary. Just thought I had to question how far Madden is going.

Flavor of the Weak Tackles: Race Relations

2007-06-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

Its tough out there for a person of any skin color. What with sexual preference, gender, and ethnicity, do we even have time to consider a persons race these days when making lifelong personal judgements? The first thing that runs through my mind when I meet someone is a.)whether or not i hate this persons face, b.)whether or not this person is going to make unwanted advances on me (gay date rape!), and c.) whether or not this person likes to drink Natty Light while wearing croakies and a backwards "Sawx" cap while making me stare at his broken big toe because he had to wear Rainbows in the Winter.

As you can see, I am ABOVE race. I am that fucking enlightened. I dont even know what color Barack Obama, I just know hes got an affinity for the cocaine, and thats a white mans drug. But this is besides the point. My greatness is sadly, not the role model for most Americans concerning race relations. No...today, on college campuses and in the business world, the white man has become the black mans bitch. This is not the black mans fault. The guys just living his life. The problem begins and ends when poorly endowed white guys get the notion in their head that they will appear openminded/tough/and diverse if they are EXTRA accepting of the colored folks.

I come from Buffalo, and this may be a good thing. Buffalo is a northern city where everyone hates the blacks. But everyone also hates the Irish, the Italians, the Pollocks, and the Germans just as much. So the hate is universal, really. This gives me a good position to scoff at these white guys who feel its their duty to be as accomodating to black people as possible.

In college classes the white guys always strive to laugh at the black guys jokes, they go out of their way to use laid back lingo around them, they even might disobey the teacher (making them weep inside) just to show how much they dont give a fuck. The absolute best part comes when these guys will talk to black dudes about girls. "Man im going to tap that booty like a keg! Hhahaha! Hoes gonna git it!"...ive heard scrawny honkeys do this often. Very often. The black guys tolerate...who wouldnt, their being praised and immitation is the highest form of flattery. But c'mon...whats really going down is the scrawny white guys going to try and toe the line of being both sensitive and hard by taking the girl to an action movie, offering to buy her popcorn (denied), offering to put his arm around her (denied), and offering to touch her bra-strap (denied). Than shes going to get out of the car, and he will be in front of Halo 3 by 1030pm. This is the standard white mans date.

So the problem is really hitting new peaks over the last few years because these college kids are taking that diversity and open minded BS they learn in school and applying it to the real world. Suddenly every white guy thinks they can appreciate Stevie Wonder. Suddenly every white guy tells his kids he grew up on tough streets, hand in hand with the blacks in Delta. Sorry motherfucker, you didnt....and neither did the black men in colleges and workplaces today, the difference is, they dont try and act as if they did.

Hey Wait...Your Not John Mayer!

2007-06-19T22:13:00.001-07:00

Oh man, you sure did trick me. You sly bastard. Strumming your guitar on campus while legions of mediocre girls coo over your bittersweet lyrics. I see right through that mop top haircut and those hemp necklaces. You really think your something, huh? Bringing your acoustic guitar to campus and playing some Bob Dylan out on a bench near the dorms. I bet no one has thought of that idea yet! Truth is, beneath that smug grin lies a lame human being. A person who truly wants to be a soulful brotha, but has none of the talent nor life experience to even come close. Thats ok, John Mayer Lite, just keep on doing your thing, theirs a thousand more of you playing right now across the country, but hell, theirs a million other mediocre girls looking to fawn over your image!

Wait...We're In College...Fuck Health Concerns

2007-06-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

Truth.com has made a lot of money selling hip images of hip people doing hip things while bashing un-hip activities like smoking and drinking. Thankfully, all of the hip actors in these hip commercials dont really believe the shit they say on camera. Unfortunately...the college students do. In the last ten years a phenomenon has taken place. Instead of being the place for radical ideas and new horizons, college has become a moral and logical place. Now I'm not bashing logic here, but arent we supposed to try new things, stop giving a shit, and be a little more laid back while attending college? If I want to smoke for my four years at college, than why the hell shouldnt I? OH WAIT, Truth.com says it will make the light skinned black dude with the Beanie think less of me. Damn, I dont want that to happen....Shit.

Seriously though, this is the time to do things you wouldnt ever normally do. Im not going to tell you to drink and drive, but I just dont see where the people at Truth.com get off on doing that exact thing. Your in college...dont let people preach to you.

Drinking Games Suck

2007-06-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

Do you like flipcup? What about Beer Pong? Chances are, that means your a deushbag. You want to know who else likes these games? Retarded people. They love the simplicity and absolute pointlessness. They love the handling of cups and hollow balls. Real men drink to open up their minds or push away their sorrows. College students drink to prove something. Bad idea.

Quick Ways to Shut the Guy Next to You Up For Good

2007-06-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

You didnt come to class to hear about Greg or Scotties latest drinking binge. In fact, NO ONE came to class because they anticipated hearing this painful story. Unfortunately, no one sent the memo to Greg and Scotty, and everytime you get to class, you know theyre going to chat your ear off.

We've decided to develop a few quick rebuttals and one liners that will throw them off and make class a lot more peacful from here on out:

Conversation 1

Asshole: "Man, I was knocking back the Natty Light last night, and these two hot chicks were all over me, but I was like, thre-"
You: "NO I DONT WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU!!!"

Conversation 2

Shrimpy Wigger: "You know what I'm saying brah??? I was like, we can fight brah, but Ill beat your ass. Im feisty as hell brah, no one can beat my ass!"
You: "Hey man, I got some menthol cigarettes out in my car, ill give them to you for free after class!"
----This was the bait, now you know he wont say no to this offer, so when you two leave class, lead him to the Black Student Union, shout "Fuck Black People" and run. Lets see how well feisty holds up against "Strapped".

Conversation 3

Jersey Girl: "And I told my mom she was a bitch and than took her purse and bought some birth control. I'm not about to-"
You: "Birth Control? Thats a SIN!"

Conversation 4

Annoying Perv who Whispers Jokes to You: "Hey, do you think that girl over there likes to get FREAKY NAUGHTY (in Ben Stiller voice)?"
You: "(In Loud Voice) Hey Tricia, this guy wants to know if you like to get freaky or naughty? I think hes got a crush on you!"

All of these rudimentary responses are available for you to use as a gift from us for visiting this site. If you find the ardent conversationalist chatting your ear off STILL wont learn, than just rely on the steady and proven response "Well at least I'm not a gay!" Sophisiticated college kids will have absolutely no clue how to respond to this. Devastation will ensue, followed by panic.

New to College? Avoid These Trendy Options!

2007-06-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

So your only a few months from arriving on campus. Excited? Of course you are! We are too. For your own safety though, here at the Flavor of the Weak Labs, we have been determining what students need to avoid in order to keep their soul during this four year process. It was an arduous task that involved a fair amount of underage drinking, lots of puking, chain-smoking, and absolutely no conclusive results. But what the hell, its the internet, we can post anything we fucking want..

1.) The Coffee Shop
In college, going to the coffee shop has nothing to do about coffee, and everything to do about being a deushbag. Your going to meet all sorts of FRIENDLY and INTELLECTUAL people here, so be careful if they offer your candy or poetry. While you may feel accepted in this comfy domain, remember, your surrounded by people who cant survive outside this coffee shop. These are the people who never shut up about how stressful their bachelor of arts classes are and how getting a job is just utterly out of the question. These are the people who wear artsy clothes and make Monty Python jokes because they feel so sophisticated. Avoid this place friends, the gas station serves excellent coffee and even better clientele.

2. Frat Parties
I'm not here to bash fraternities. They give the people what they want and fill a quota. Whatever. But I will say this, the most overrated thing about college is the Frat Party. Every year millions of kids come to Campus expecting to re-enact all those shitty straight to video movies like "Frat Party at California U" and "School Daze". They are in for a rude awakening. Upon arriving at any frat party you are going to realize that a.) at most public universities underage drinking just isnt happening and b.)everyone around you thinks their the shit.
Why would you want to subject yourself to a night where the frat brothers will be withholding alcohol in order to avoid getting busted and the other partygoers are all paranoid that someone might think they came to the party alone? Instead, go back to your car, find a homeless person, offer them 20 dollars if they get you a 24 pack of Icehouse, and than pull up at your community college friends apartment. Community college parties are much more intriguing. Sluttier girls, accessible alcohol, and a general "I dont give a shit attitude" that got the parties host this far in life.

3.) Hair Product

This is mainly for men, but I imagine girls with red highlights or perms should listen up as well. If a guy wears hair product, he has a small penis. Its proven. Our scientists kidnapped like 30 guys walking around campuses across the East Coast. Each student with spiked hair, Guido Do's, or frayed blonde locks was determined to be lacking in many other departments. Its true, if you go to a college bar or club your always going to run into the little prick who dresses in Hollister but wears "gangster" hair do's or sideways baller caps. These guys will get the occasional hottie after telling them how fucking hard they are. Its ok though. We know you feel taken aback. Just remember, these guys are going to be in for humiliation when Slutty Blonde #1 discovers that Lil Tony's real name is Kermit Brown and hes packing a straight 3 inches. Than who has the last laugh?

4.) Asking Questions in Class
There isnt much to say here. Most of the kids in your classes dont want to hear your voice. They dont want to know you exsist. They do no care how cool you were in 12th grade. If you ask a cutesie question, or hell, even if your genuinely confused, wait until after class to ask the professor. We all want to go home and either drink or sleep or maybe, just maybe do both. Every question you ask delays this.

5.)Unless your 6'8, Dont Have Spirit
I never got this trend. Across campuses kids absolutely adore throwing on all the school spirit apparell they can get their hands on. What is the deal? Does the pasty looking, fat girl lacking self confidence really need to tell everyone how much UNC-Charlotte rocks? Does the prickish student body government shithead really think we will think hes laid back and one of us because hes so into school spirit? Fuck off asshole, here at Flavor of the Weak, we wear Wife Beaters and jean shorts commando. This doesent mean we support beating our wives or the extinction of undergarments, of course. We just really look good in this style.

A Trendy Intro to a Trendy Site

2007-06-19T21:06:00.001-07:00

Since the dawn of man, people have been forced to deal with trends and the trendy people who love them. Whether it be that bragging SOB Fred Flinstone with his eco friendly "foot powered" car or the guy sitting next to you, reciting just how fucking excellent Bud Light tastes, one thing is for sure: People want to fit in. What better way to fit in than by finding every hipster trend and popular character trait and than mimicking them to a tee? This formula is ESPECIALLY relevant here on university campuses around the country. Frat guys match while they walk in perfect sync and harmony to and fro class. Girls bust out the fake tan every other day in order to keep the Skin Cancer rates healthy. In college, if your not trendy, your just out of the loop.

Until now...that is. This site was created for every student stunned by the fact that girls fall for deushbags. Every student ready to shoot himself after hearing another story about how the malnourished pissant next to you is small but scrappy. We've tired of seeing torn jeans and musty rainbows, we want to move on from this phase as soon as possible.

The best part about the people who can find a home in this site, is that we arent trying to promote Dungeons and Dragons or Yu-Yi-Oh. We arent the shunned, fat kid who we like to snicker about and throw garbage at. We are better than that. We just chose to be individuals and have to deal with the repercussions every day.

Anyways, I have dragged on, and all we need is another lame ass blog trying to be cutting edge but basically preaching nonstop. We wont preach, I promise.
We will focus on pointing out dangerous trends on campuses across the country, offer stories and solutions that may help you take advantage of the situation, and once in awhile give some commentary on relevant issues around the country. But I doubt that will be interesting.